Quotables - The Lewis Grizzard Edition

Lewis Grizzard – “Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon."   134

Cover of Lewis Grizzard

Lewis Grizzard – “Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing." 121

Lewis Grizzard – “Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash." 74

Lewis Grizzard – “Do you know what Bill Clinton always does when he finishes making love? He goes home." 106

Lewis Grizzard - "Don't bend over in the garden, Granny, you know them taters got eyes." 88

Lewis Grizzard – “First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.” 134

Lewis Grizzard – “I come from a large family. In fact, I never slept alone until I was married." 96

Lewis Grizzard – “I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women." 101

Lewis Grizzard – “I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff." 108

Lewis Grizzard – “I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence." 88

Lewis Grizzard – “I really don't mind flying. It's the crashing and burning that bothers me." 93

Lewis Grizzard – “I'm not saying Kim Bassinger is gorgeous, but I'd marry her dog just to be part of the family." 113

Lewis Grizzard – “I'm still not sure what sodomy is, but I know for a fact that all my ex-wives were against it." 113

Lewis Grizzard - "If love was oil, I'd be a quart low." 55

Lewis Grizzard – “My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck." 99

Lewis Grizzard – “Pornography does, in fact, have an effect on men. I grew up thinking that all women had a staple in their navel." 131

Lewis Grizzard – “Shoot low boys! They're ridin' Shetland ponies!" 66

Lewis Grizzard – “The greatest form of birth control known to man is a Bronx accent." 85

Lewis Grizzard – “The next time I feel the urge to get married, I think I'll just find a woman I hate and buy her a house.” 123

Lewis Grizzard – “The only good thing that ever came out of Chicago was I-65 South.” 84

Lewis Grizzard – “The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.” 82

Lewis Grizzard – “There are only three ways to sleep on a train: be dead tired, dead drunk, or just plain dead.” 112

Lewis Grizzard – “Why is it necessary to stand in line to deal with any branch of the government?” 98